Today was intense.
Today was also a relief.
This morning, Randy was really trying to say something important. I could tell by the look on his face. As hard as he tried, the only word that would come out was, “Steve”. He said that word with intense ferocity, like an explicative. Over and over again, with his face so angry, and his arms and hands beginning to tense up even more (I had no idea that was possible). It was obvious he had no intention of saying the word “Steve”, but wanted a different word to come out. Try as I may, I could not guess what that word might be. We had just finished a nice relaxed breakfast, and it was about time to go to clinic. I had just told him how wonderful I thought he was. I tried guessing: Was he trying to say I was wonderful too?… Or maybe he was trying to say that he loved me? Was he asking me to stop touching his hand? Did he need to use the restroom? I still don’t know.
Looking back over our last 24 years of marriage, I think I’ve only seen Randy’s mad face a couple of times… and it was directed toward a teenage boy in my house, not toward me. I have to admit, it’s pretty scary…and must be pretty effective since he didn’t have to use it too often. I had to remind myself he wasn’t angry at me. He was angry at his inability to express himself. That, combined with his inability to do anything for himself must be incredibly frustrating.
Later in the day, at lunch, Randy wanted to communicate something else, very specific. This time he repeated the word, “fish”, over and over again. As he got more upset it started coming out, “fish food”. I’ve heard this word from him many times over the course of the last three months, but it had never made Randy so mad. “Would you like to eat some fish? I can make you fish. Fried fish?” No…that wasn’t it.
Finally I said, “Randy, the angry look on your face makes me wonder if you’re mad at me. But I don’t think you’d be mad at me. Can I hold your hand?” He said yes.
“Are you frustrated?” He latched onto that word with intensity… “frustrated frustrated frustrated!!“, he yelled.
“I bet you are frustrated. This is frustrating. This whole situation is terrible.”
“Terrible, terrible, terrible!”, he yelled.
“Yes. It’s terrible. It just sucks.”
“Sucks! Sucks!” He repeated over and over again.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I wish I could take it from you.” His eyes stayed dry, but mine begin to swell with tears. I just sat and held his hand.
His contorted face began to soften, and the anger eventually left his voice, and we finished lunch like we do every day.
I think Randy felt a little better, once he found some words to describe how he was feeling.
I’m so relieved. That was rough…but we connected. I felt like I was able to sit with him in his feelings, and that felt good.
Follow Randy Home 
Dear Randy,
There is an old saying, “When life hands your lemons, make lemonade”. But life didn’t just hand you lemons. Life picked a bushel of lemons way past their prime and rotting on the tree. Then life poured those lemons into a Looney Toons pitching machine and turned it onto the highest possible speed. Life then pointed that pitching machine in your direction and began pelting you with lemons. It sucks to have all that acidic pulp raining down on you, burning your eyes and bruising your flesh, not to mention the indignity of having to sit there with rotting fruit dripping off of you. It is terrible and frustrating and it sucks!
But Randy, in spite of how bad the citrusy situation is, you and your family are still somehow turning that mess into lemonade that has blessed many lives including mine. I am so grateful that you were able to taste the sweetness of attending the Fort Worth Youth Fair with friends and family. I’m cheering for you!
Your friend, Teryl
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Teryl, I love this! I’m going to read it to Randy tomorrow❤️
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That was good work. What a step forward!
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I agree!
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Praying for you guys 🙏💕
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Thank you! God is our only hope, strength, and healing!
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I just can’t imagine how frustrating he must felt and how you feel! I am so proud of you Melissa you are unbelievable! You do everything for him as much he would do for you!! As I told you the few times we seen you and Randy that he is in there and he will be ok it will take time! Tell Randy that I know he will be ok! It will take time and work, but at the end it will be all worth it!!!
I pray and think of you all the time! Just keep your faith as you have !! Good things take time!!! Love Patricia Marek
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Thank you, Patricia! I’m so thankful for the love and support. I believe it too. He’s still in there❤️
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Oh my❣ Bless you both. I often get frustrated too and think things suck. But this feeling soon passes and I get back on track. You and especially Randy live daily with unfathomable stress and frustration. I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I know getting those feelings out in the light help ease that feeling at least momentarily. I hope the rest of your day brings some peace and some moments of joy. Love to all❣
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Thank you, Vicki.
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That was good work. What a step forward!
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Thank you!
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I’m not sure you know me but I’m steve gray owner of L & R meat market randy used to do all of our shoulder mounts. I suffered a bad stroke last year and I truly believe you and Randy will make it back completely. I can only imagine how frustrating it is wondering if he hears you. He does, it just takes us time to say what we want to. God bless you and Randy
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Steve, thank you for that encouragement! I do remember your name, and would love to put a face to it someday. That’s amazing that you’ve been through something similar. Blessings to you, as you continue to travel this road to healing.
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